Uhg. It's 9:30 am and baby is finally down for her first nap. Av is off to school with our carpool buddy - miraculous, wonderful, sweet, kind, angelic car pool buddy. Thank God for her. I don't think I could have managed to get everyone out the door to drive to school this morning. I don't have any crystal meth handy, and that's what it would have taken. Four hours of (frequently interrupted) sleep last night. Again. I can't go on like this.
I swore I wouldn't use this blog to complain about parenting, but sometimes you just gotta. Maybe it's healthy, even. My children shouldn't grow up with illusions about this job being easy....should they? I mean, it's still the best thing that ever happened to me, being their mommy. I still feel like the luckiest person who ever lived. Complaining about the hard stuff doesn't take away of the good stuff. So here goes.
I know why we're having bad nights - if I think about it, it makes sense. El's been sick for over a month, really. She got her first cold at the end of September, and it turned into ear infections which antibiotics have yet to resolve for her. We're almost done with the second one now. Of course they cause diarrhea, which typically explodes around 5:30 am. After the diaper and inevitable outfit change, she's too awake to fall back asleep, but she's still tired enough to be enormously cranky. Plus she's cutting two more teeth. Plus she's in the throws of some really intense separation anxiety. This poor child - when will she get a break? It's hard to know what to do at night when she wakes up for the fifth time and wants to nurse, and I feel sorry for her and know that nursing her is the best way to soothe her, but at the same time I'm having bizarre fantasies like jumping up and breaking off a blade of the ceiling fan and gutting myself with it. That's what I'd rather do than nurse, at 2:30am after sleeping for three 35 minute chunks. On the heels of weeks of nights like that. It really does mess with your head.
Oh, and the dishwasher's busted - good timing, we're hosting Thanksgiving. We certainly don't have the money to fix or replace it. I have an appointment with our accountant in a couple hours to find out how f**ked we are on our taxes this year - we haven't paid much of them yet, GW being self-employed now and all. Of course we didn't make any money this year, so I'm sure that will help. But we will owe something. And there's Av's surgery to pay off and the bill for our next door neighbor's pool and GW's licensure renewal and car insurance and my new health insurance (if you can call it that) and we need a termite inspection and possibly treatment and there is some loose siding on the house and really how much longer can the Saturn last? Maybe a new car soon. Where will the money come from for that? Wait, lemme just....pull it out of my butt here....oh, there it is. My house is in such disarray I can never find anything, and I feel like I can't let the baby crawl around on the floor, at least not downstairs. But no time to do anything about that. My blood pressure is back up, but I can't go to the doctor - no health insurance this month. Is any of this sounding familiar? I'm sure I'm describing the experience of many parents these days. It helps to know I'm certainly not alone, although I wish I was not alone in my wealth and leisure and perfect health and well-organized home.
Writing this is making me feel a little better. See? Complaining can be good. There are plenty of silver linings, when I look at it with my reasoning skills intact. The baby will get better, and will sleep better soon. I probably won't have a stroke in the next few months. Not being able to go to the doctor has forced me to do stuff to protect my health, so I'm eating really clean and exercising a little and not drinking beer and actually losing a few pounds. The neighbor's pool didn't need repairs, just a check-up. GW's a rock star at his new job and starting to make more money. The dishwasher sucked anyway.
We'll get through.
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